Friend : noun
a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.
I am often cocooned in my own little world and this is no more evident than in times when I allow myself to sit in the middle of past and present; dwelling in emotions that I make myself believe are long forgotten. Or as I like to explain to those around me; I am a homebody. I often wonder if I could get away with thinking it is by choice. Because quite frankly in all honesty I get tired of kidding myself.
I was just saying to a friend, a dear dear friend I met right here of how when I look back at the past 7 months I see the urgency in my musings spared out. From a constant bleeding out to a more refined thinking back. I was also telling her of how I think the lesson - if there is one - must be that we learn to live with the pain; for one never actually forgets it.
Which reminds me of an old movie I had read about by coincidence just recently and then caught it on tv - The Holiday (x
). I don’t remember the last time I watched a movie with a feeling of empathy. Under the layers of comedy and disaster lays the profound truth of heartbreak. I am Iris in so many ways but which one of us isn’t? It all starts off with a warm narration and a heart wrenching reminder;
"For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost."
Two strangers on opposite sides of the world with one thing in common; to escape. To be where no one knows you and away from the very things that make you ache. It reminds me that maybe just maybe that is the one thing I can think positive about the past - that most of my tangible memories are in pockets of a country oceans away. The two leading ladies swap houses and get lost in new memories which puts a spring into their step - the kind that they needed to keep going. But one thing always amazes me and I guess it’s just a Hollywood thing or maybe people are just that blessed in some regard - that there is always someone else waiting to catch them. But anyway.. what struck me the most in this movie was Iris’ explanation of what everything felt like in her state as she shared;
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriend… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
Because in the end isn’t that what it is? No matter what we do or where we go or where the memories were made, we are still going to go to bed at night and go over every detail over and over and over again wondering where we went wrong.. And that ache, that excruciating ache in the middle of your chest; it only lessens when it wants to and no matter what we can’t will it away.
But this wasn’t supposed to be a post about a movie no, it’s actually about who does stick by you as you go through this time in your life. As much as nothing makes a difference to your thoughts when you get into your bed at night, it does help to have these people who have been there throughout the pain still there as you find your feet slowly again. Who listen to you or read your thoughts as you pen them letters in your darkest moments.
So when a friend nudged me to join her for a Bruno Mars concert recently and got a no thanks from me she was wise enough to know me better and keep nudging till I obliged and had to be torn out of my cocoon once again. It helped that after a week of house painting and toxic fumes I was ready to almost move into the yard. But it was more than that. It was someone who knew me better. Who had me singing and yelling and dancing for over an hour albeit with a little help from Bruno. I’ve never been an avid listener but I was hooked on his live performance. I felt alive, light and just.. happy. There was thousands of people from hundreds of backgrounds with our emotions on our sleeves as we all shared one thing in common that night and that was having a little bit of our souls come back. We were in unison.
We ended the night in a warm cafe where people were huddled over their cups of coffee or hot chocolate accompanied by conversations that no doubt warmed their souls. And as she drove me home that night, I wound down the window and let the wind run through my hair, feeling blessed that with a little help from my friends I was feeling a little more worthwhile again.
A little more closer to having the crack in my soul healed.