I wish you had stayed.
somewhere under this dark sky, beneath the starlit rooftops, there are people undressing their dreams with smiles that untie the knots in their stomach. with the space between their lungs filled with september’s cool breeze and their demons washed away in riptides of the ocean. where absence is sweet and longing is momentary -; in a universe that bends with the night. there are people who conquer their pillows and wrap themselves in lilac dreams with their last thought nothing but a smile across their lips.
i hope you (me/us/we/all) are one of them.
Last year this time (this week), I dared to dream. Packed up my bags and flew across the Atlantic to be with you. To see your eyes after having you flow through my veins for so long was like the stars colliding before crashing into the space between us. I still remember it like yesterday. You smiled and the whole world melted into the dimple that rested on your left cheek. Just like that, my hand fit perfectly into yours as the world moved around us. You untangled your fingers from my hair as the sun set outside, a crescendo of I love you rolling off your tongue. I would have followed you into the dark.
Last year this time (this week), I dared to believe. This is the start of something wonderful I whispered into your ear before I felt your bare hands dig into my chest as shadows lurked across the walls.Wings of steel carried me home, as our dreams and realities collided.
And then you took it all away. Just like that, you picked up your coat, tucked my soul into your back pocket and my sanity into the front. Just like that you decided, I no longer fit into your life. Just like that, you took every reality and dragged it through the mud. Just like that, you pushed me with your bare hands into the dark.
Last year this time (this week), I didn’t think I could breathe again. That’s the thing with time, it breaks, it bends, it flows through your pain - it heals and tells you; you’re going to be okay.
reality is so grave, happiness so very fleeting. every time I feel it in my grasp i hold on tight, so tight that i end up choking it. when all i want to do is hold it against my chest and give it life with every heart beat.
there are moments in time where you think; I want to remember that. I want to engrave it into the conclaves of my mind. What I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I was doing, in that one moment. I want to remember that.
Just like that.
I feel a void under my skin, where your fingers should be lingering.
A thought’s stray passing from memory, ghostly bones hollowed thin.
Do you remember? Do you remember how you promised me forever,
While your fingers danced along my spine?
I believed you then like I believed in sunshine.
All lights grow dull, hazed in smoke shade; the sun may burn warmly
Yet I feel merely a wisp of an ember, as if it has dwindled down
To mere as and cinders - out of reach from such helpless fingers.
It’s a little cold here, inside my skin; if I peel it back and let you in,
Will you flow through my veins and warm me from within.
If the breeze would dare carry me, perhaps our hearts would again find alignment
Through the sweeping chill of an Autumn astray. Perhaps; if only.
It’s time to bury the past, if only I could bury your smile -
Or that dimple that held all our dreams.
Memories have numbed the edges of my lips;
I no longer taste the wonder that filled these once elated airs.
There is fear, underlining my skin, flowing through my veins.
There is loss that knocking on my door. I will sit here in silence and wish it away
Will it away - till you no longer are one of them.
I hide now where secret regards were never kept, beneath the surface
Anxious tones still echo out through me. I resign to cleansing storms
To wash it all away - until I am no longer real.
- italic : slowsway
(Quite some months ago when I was between pain and healing, a wise young man whom I have the pleasure of calling a good friend through those times and still is, asked me to do a collaboration with him. I was far from putting two words together still engrossed in my own world and so we left it at that. That was until about a month ago when my world shifted it’s axis and so I sent little trinkets of my thoughts as he put them together and added his own. Thus came together kaleidoscope. It was a pleasure to do this with you as I am humbled to be your friend and admire your talent. Thank you for helping me put some of my own puzzle pieces together.)